Let me regale you in some history about me. My Bipolar Disorder manifested itself firstly in a grand scale in 1997 when, suffering pneumonia, and suffering from family and workplace stress, I started encountering psychotic thinking. Over the next three years I started going very deep into psychosis and also started displaying typical manifestations of Bipolar, all undiagnosed. Lack of sleep, Obsessive behaviour, thoughts of suicide or harming others, and many more other traits. In November 2000 I suddenly had a catatonic collapse, physically and emotionally spent. It caught up with me and I was seen by the CATT team from Mental Health and admitted to Taharoto Mental Health Unit at North Shore Hospital, one of two visits in 5 months. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder - suffering mainly from hypermania, medicated and discharged. At the time I was still serving in the Navy but in 2002 I was discharged and had to fend for myself like I had never done before.
And it was a struggle. Unable to get work in Auckland and not being able to afford a house to live and have my girls staying with me, and on an emergency benefit, I shifted to Foxton where housing was affordable on a benefit. I was still going through a tough ride with my newfound friend Bipolar, but manage to get work as a postie. And things started to improve or so I thought. In March 2003 I tripped over again and like previous episodes, I went hypermanic again, this time requiring hospitalisation in a general ward after jumping off a bridge when my voices told me to to escape from being given ECT. After 2 and 1/2 months in hospital I was discharged from both the general ward and Mental Health. Unfortunately there were not enough support services in Foxton for me so I moved into Palmerston North and lived with my sisters ex husband and nephew, much to the chagrin of said sister and others. My mental health issues were in abeyance from 2003 to 2005 though during this phase, the hair and beard grew and unruly was my catchcry.
In 2005 I went into a 5 month manic episode, probably my worst ever medically speaking, by it was also a very spiritual phase, not religiously speaking, but deeper. I ended up being evicted by my ex brother in law and settling in at The Shepherds Rest in Palmerston North City, a doss house for those at the end of their tether or the end of the road. And I thrived despite another hospitalisation. But the die was cast. I immediately went into another manic episode after the previous hospitalisation and found myself living on the streets, dossing down in alleyways, walking the streets all night in the city rummaging through rubbish bins for food scraps outside Maccas and BK, drinking whatever was left around. I did this for 10 days straight until picked up by the Police and once again sent to Ward 21, where I stayed in HNU for over a week coming down off my high.
Once released I went back to the Shepherds Rest and started work as a Night Manager. Unbeknownst to me, working nights for 7 days straight and singing at a late night karaoke bar all night when I wasn't working took a huge toll on my mental health. In January 2006, after 4 months of work and singing, I went hypermanic again, this time I lost 23 days of my life and memory. Once again I was picked up by the Police and referred to Ward 21 again. And here the journey to recovery begins.
I was taken off Respiredal and put on Olanzapine. I was still on Lithium for mood disorders (I call them my placebo as they never really worked, but happy to keep the doctors happy) and still hearing voices and having psychotic thoughts, even on the new medication. On discharge from Ward 21 in February, I was "shipped out" to a Respite Care Facility (St Dominics) near Feilding. Much like The Shepherds Rest, it was a last resort. Thankfully during my night shift work I had started a course in Business Administration and Computing Level 3 with an added bonus of getting a "free" computer to keep if you passed the course, which I did, so I had a lifeline, I could write. It should be noted here that from 1999 to this time I had been dabbling in poetry. Well, now on an Invalids Benefit and with time to kill, I hooked up to the internet (thank you Airstream) and started writing poetry in earnest. For the next three years I wrote over 1000 poems on an international poetry website. But back to my recovery at St Dominics. Whilst doing the aforementioned course, in September, I started to realise where I was and why, and it was like I started to wake up mentally. Had it taken the Olanzapine that long to work?
In February 2007 my voices disappeared. All of them. I had completed and passed my course and now the prospect of starting a BA in English at Massey University beckoned. And for the next two years, as well as writing poetry, I was studying and I managed to get 8 papers done. It should also be noted that around October 2007 I was given another boost to help me along my journey. I started as a presenter with Like Minds Like Mine Manawatu. Not regular work but very beneficial work when it happened. Soon I was deeply involved in many facets of "normal" life and thriving, In 2010 I stopped writing poetry (after I had moved from St Dominics and into a MASH House in the city) and bought a camera and started my new hobby (which continues to present day).
The next stone in the cobbled road to bettering myself occured in October 2010 when I applied for and got the job as Manawatu Like Minds Like Mine Coordinator. I was still long haired and bearded, and the job lasted until April 2011 when funding was pulled for our area. I continued to provide services for our area by reforming the old Like Minds Like Mine team into a new team known as Pono (Truth) working under Journeys To Wellbeing. I am still on that team, but now taking a back seat as other opportunities take shape. I also managed to work as a Peer Support person at Journeys To Wellbeing until mid 2012.
In November 2011, ten days after chopping my mullet and getting rid of my beard I applied for a position at MASH as a casual support person in Intellectual and Physically Disabled care and got the job, with no prior skills. I am now approaching my first anniversary with this job, well not a job, more a privilege, and I am loving every minute.
By now you will notice something. Despite having a debilitating mental illness I have or am involved in doing something. Maybe a work ethic hangover from my Navy days, maybe good parenting, but yes my catchcry has always been "Get Busy, Keep Busy" even if it ends up being hospitalised again (touch wood 6 years now). I feel (and think) that if you wallow in your despair, you will be despairing and that leads to all sorts of negative thinking and negative actions If you take risks, no matter what, and try and improve your experiences in life then there is a greater chance your illness will go into remission and you will grow with those experiences. Too many people I have come in contact with in the "system" have a negative gearing to their situation. Many think, Oh I have been unwell, I will always be unwell. Don't get me wrong I know of plenty that just can't get out of the rut and that saddens me, but it doesn't stop me from trying to get them to see possibilities in themselves and others.
So that's me. I do hope that if you managed to get through to this stage you have seen maybe something that draws you out as a person and inspires you to try something new. I know anyone reading this on the internet is a resourceful person and I hope they realise that everything is not lost just because you have psychiatric issues.
The main emphasis I am trying to convey here is this - There is Hope, there is always Hope.
Thane
8 November 2012
yes there is hope! As someone who read and wrote w/ you over at Blueline during this time...your poetry was from a place that was hard to fathom sometimes although always amazing. Writing at 'the house' and following your journey and your spirit was uplifting Thane (thegunnersdream) And though we knew you were struggling sometimes but you wrote every day and shared your head and your heart with us. Something I'll never forget. So glad your where your at my friend!
ReplyDeleteThere is always hope Thane, and you continue to show people that anything is possible when you have hope. Proud of you buddy
ReplyDeleteWow! What a ride! You are an inspiration, Thane.
ReplyDeleteInspiring, Thane! :-)
ReplyDeleteI have looked at those photos several times and can't say I see any resemblance, could be different people.... guess they are huh. great reading thanks you for sharing.
ReplyDelete