Owning Up - A call to estranged Fathers

I know what it is like.  For 12 years I have been estranged from my two lovely daughters and in that period have only seen them a handful of times.  I have not been a bad father, the kind that leaves and doesn't want anything to do with their progeny.  Far from it, at every opportunity I have talked to them on Facebook, MSN Messenger, on the phone when I have funds, and of course sending them money when it's available.

But it wasn't always that way.  Due to a deteriorating mental condition from 1997 to 2000 I was an ogre to them.  There simply was nothing I could do about it as life took it's toll.  After being diagnosed/hospitalised I was forced to live a life separate from my children, but with fortnightly contact through them living with me for a weekend.  This all changed when my job outlook died and I was forced to move down country to afford to live.  I regret that moment, it tore my heart out, but at that time, what mattered more was me surviving my mental illness and all it stood for and being able to help them when I could.  In 2004 I had the opportunity to go back to Auckland and visit with my family, and I took the opportunity then to ask forgiveness from them for my errant past behaviour and to give them and myself the opportunity to move forward in our own lives.  If it helped, the effect wasn't evident straightaway, but it has brought rewards further down track.

But enough about me.  I'm not a bad father, I try to keep in touch.  But there are countless fathers out there that do not earn the title Father or Dad.  A lot of reasons why this is so, marriage break ups are tough and often painful.  But it seems what is more painful is the effect this has on the children.  Even bad fathers in a  relationship have an affect on their children, good sometimes but often bad.  But children still identify them as their father and that bond is evident in the way they change when that father leaves the nest.  At this point I will add a disclaimer.  These Bad Fathers I speak of are not child abusers as such, but fathers that are not dedicated to making the family unit a prosperous one or in other words do not care about their wife or children.  And as figures prove, there are plenty in this category.  Call them ignorant, philanderers, star gazers whatever, they just aren't in the relationship for the right reasons.  And not only the partner suffers, but the children do too.

When a marriage splinters, the fallout is lifelong.  Usually the case is the wife/mothert takes over the reins and drives the childrens future, and in a lot of cases, the children's father refuses to take an active and willing part in that future and resentment is born, not only in the children, but their mother too and as a result that resentment is passed onto the children, willingly or unwittingly, and children grow up with that outlook and find it very hard to adjust to the world around them.

So the message to estranged fathers is this.  Just because the marriage is over and you have moved on, your children haven't.  Get stuck in and give them a reason to ring you on Fathers Day, give them hope that they too can thrive and prosper, give them hope.  Yes you might have been an ogre to them once but circumstances change and it is never too late to turn yourself around and be a good father. Put behind you any acrimony with your former partner, leave that at the gate when you pick your loved ones up for a weekend out with you.  Don't buy their love, earn their love and your reward will be that card or phone call.  Don't just be a man with children, be a Father with love and hope.  And pass it on.  If we want to rescue children from a dodgy path we have to intervene and give them support.  Your time is their support.