Suicide article I wrote in 2008

Below is my thoughts on Suicide written before I became an advocate for Change.

The Tale of Three

By Thane Zander

It started in the Navy, three good mates ending it all through suicide. Two of them were pretty dark deep characters, the third the life of the party. All three were unexpected. The family of the two darkest ones closed up shop and never talked about it, but Mandy, the wife of the third did, only though after I ended up in Taharoto Mental Health Unit and talked to her, nearly a year to the day when I found myself close to ending it.

Mandy told me she couldn’t see it coming. Matt, her husband was a Maori from Te Puke and after his Dad died he was beholden to take up the mantle of Rangatira and to deal with the Iwi land deals, something she said he wasn’t ready for. Although she didn’t see his suicide coming, she did notice that he was getting moodier and silent, a sure sign something was up. But she couldn’t talk to him about it. But she did say that after he gassed himself that his whanau put undue pressure on her and she got the feeling it was his whanau that drove him to take his life.

But that was then. My own first encounter with suicide goes something like this. From 1997 when my wife was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and until 2000, I was deteriorating mentally and physically. Looking back now I can see I had undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder and OCD issues. My family duties dwindled markedly as the drinking, the gambling and the whoring slowly but surely consumed me. I was at risk, and after one bout of gambling in Dunedin (where I hooked into the grocery money) and feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt, I found myself perched on a fifth floor balcony ready to jump. Somehow in the melee of my mind I managed to talk myself down, using the consequences of my actions to diffuse the situation. As soon as I had done so, I rang Gambling Hotline and sought help. I wasn’t to meet suicide for another four years.

The second time is a weird one. I hadn’t felt suicidal at all, and I was in the midst of a deep powerful mania, complete with voices. One of those voices persuaded me to end my life and join the next alien spaceship heading off planet, a Soul Cruiser. So I downed 20 sleeping tablets in one hit and went to bed to meet the next part of my journey. Before this attempt I had been awake for about five days, highly manic and in a dangerous frame of mind. Suffice to say, that attempt failed too, with me waking up 2 days after the attempt as if nothing had ever happened. I think my sister may have been aware that something was amiss when she looked after my house whilst I was recovering from my third attempt, some days after the second.

I found myself away from my Foxton home. My car was on the side of the road with dents in it, and the motor was kaput. I flagged down a local to go ring someone to come pick me up. At this stage I was probably hypomanic, flying at 30,000 feet and not making much sense of anything. But when she dropped me off at a farmhouse, I freaked out and ran back to the car. Some twenty minutes later a policeman drove up and asked me what was wrong. I told him I needed to see the CATT team as I wasn’t too well. He drove me towards Palmerston North and nearing the city limits I had a voice that told me “they’re going to take your brains” and the voice said it several times. I freaked and jumped out of the moving Police Car, barrel rolled on the road, leaped to my feet and jumped over the fence near me to run away.; 7.5 meters down I hit the road with both feet, smashing them both, my ankles and both bones in my lower right calf. I passed out and woke in hospital some days later with two casts on my legs and being treated for infections and a broken head. From what I understand the Police treated this as a suicide attempt, and now I have an understanding how easy it is for voice hearers to take the actions they do.

I lost a former flatmate and friend to suicide early this year. He was a voice hearer and in the 8 months he’d been living with us, he attempted suicide four times, by hanging in the carport (public), by overdosing on his meds, and by cutting his wrist. A lot of people said he was just attention seeking and most times his cries were ignored. When he stepped in front of the train, those who made those statements were very quiet.

These are my thoughts on suicide. As one that has been through many facets of suicide I strongly believe we need to open the floodgates and let the education waters flow through society. Forewarned is forearmed. If people know others stories and can learn from them, then there is a chance we might just start lowering the rate. If education and advertising attributed to the lowering of the road toll and made people aware of the consequences, then the same should apply to Suicide.

Dad's just Sad

Contrary to popular belief, males in their 30's to 50's ARE committing suicide.  And not solely "poor" fathers/husbands, many are successful in their own world.

So why and what to look for.  Well the common thread wheeled out when these males suicide is that they were suffering "Mid Life Crisis" and they will deal with their issues.  Why? Well the obvious sign is that they tend to succeed at work and are able to deal with issues that surround them there therefore they have the tools to ride out their crisis'. But this is not always the case.

I have known six males in this age group who outwardly showed no indication that they were suffering, be it depression, suicidal thoughts, or anything that would permit harm on loved ones.  One day they were there, the next, Gone!!  And no the demographics don't show any particular pattern (barring one).  They just did it. Two were pakeha males in their 40's, one was a Maori male in his 30's, and another was a pakeha male in his 30's.  All were in the Armed Services barring that One.

So why did they do it.  Well to be frank only three had reasons after the fact.  The Maori  mate had taken on Maori land claims for his iwi after hs father and rangitira died and the pressures of that on someone ill prepared to do it was too much.  He was always the life of the party, a steady and strong leader in his trade and an all-round good bloke.  But no one saw his depression, even his wife and children.  As Mike King would say, The Tale of the Mask.

Another, the 30's pakeha was heavily in debt to gambling, once again only borne out after the act.  And the other was a mental health client who repeatedly made "noises"  about suicide, but was largely brushed off as ok.  The train driver today still is haunted by the victim's action and the lack of adequate care for that client..

So who sees the changes and what is done.  Well for everyone it is different manifestations.  Largely the group I am identifying has close family, friends and workmates so you would think many would be showing outward signs of suicidal tendencies.  Well the answer to that is a resounding NO!!  What generally is displayed is Mid Life Crisis and that's what it is called.  Many go through this stage without committing suicide but equally many don't.  There generally is a loossening off of Family contact through depressing or OCD behaviour, and this can be seen in many afterthoughts of an act of passing.  "Gee Dad was quiet all that time" "Gee Dad never smiled or laughed anymore" "Gee my husband turned the sex tap off" and that too transpires to work where many withdraw from relationships too alienating old friends but for no apparent reason.

Yes you have heard it all before but never really put two and two together.  In a society that is evermore alienating relationships and bearing towards the Me generation I think it is important to turn back the clock and actually restart dialogue when we feel something is amiss.  Not only would this tactic save a life but it would save those self same relationships.  The family can seek family help from within, but what of workmates.  Especially if they are in roles that say Male Pride rules (like the Armed services).  We need to stop and consider our friends behaviours if out of the ordinary and probably destructive.  We need to keep the lines of communication open.  Sure the outward signs of someone in this group is hard to identify but the small things make the difference.  We see small changes but rarely act on them.  Dare we start?

Mid Life Crisis is and will be that if nothing is done.  Not just for the close family, but for the community as a whole.  See the Signs, Reach out, Act accordingly and save a life.  Intervention is a positive key to survival. And remember dialogue does save lives.  Don't be afraid to intervene if you truly care.