Joy of Sex - a parody.

Joy of Sex She was blonde. I was me. We looked at one another and felt an instant attraction. Most men would say she was exotic. Most women had no opinion of my aura. Shame, really! We smiled. She smiled a self-assured acknowledgement. I smiled a grimace due to a particularly sore canine embedded in my upper gum. We got closer. She stayed where she was. I fell forward to the floor nose-first. I felt the date was going well. I picked myself up off the floor. This was difficult, you understand, as both my hands were underneath me, pushing my weight off the floor. We made small talk. She said “Hello.” I said, “Fuck, that hurt.” We took our clothes off. I took the clothes off the bed I had placed there before her arrival and returned them to the wardrobe. I brushed carpet fluff from the clothes I had on. She took her clothes off, slowly at first, placing each item on the floor beside her. Pretty soon I got to see her… her… Moray wetsuit. Obviously, she thought we were going diving. I was not prepared! Besides, I had been told that guys wore the rubber. Oh, well. Never mind. Now that we were more comfortable with our attire, we hugged. Her face was pure joy. She hugged intensely the teddy bear she had brought with her. I hugged myself. I always did when I was afraid of what was to come. Yes, this was my first date. The air was electric. Someone had forgotten to re-terminate a socket in the room, and sparks were flying everywhere. Obviously, some of them affected us. We kissed. She kissed her favourite picture of her pussy, Snuggles. I kissed the deck again, fainting at the sight of what she was doing. She climbed on top, panting. I lay underneath her, looking up. The exertion of climbing the wardrobe had taken some effort for her. My fall had taken me under the bed, my head just poking out. Was this what it was like at childbirth? I mused! The date was going extremely well. Except for one thing. What was her name? “What is your name?” I asked. “My name was Buttfucked, but I changed it to Sue. My last boyfriend was a lawyer, and the one before a politician.” She displayed sinuous movements whilst speaking. I grew hard. It’s a form of organically grown soap I use for washing my clothes. “What is your name?” she asked me. “No, it’s not,” I said.” It’s actually Penis. My mother couldn’t read nor write when I was born, and to her Ds were Ps.” I poured a drink for each of us. I had not seen him sitting at the table until now. Each was my flatmate. He drank his drink. I smiled. The dog in my mouth made me do it. I was back under the bed, feeling horny. So that is where my pet toad had got to. She spread her legs, ready for a good shot. I cannot say I noticed her get down from the wardrobe, take the camera and tripod from her case, and set them up in the room. That must have happened when I was pouring the drinks for Each Ofus. I crawled out from under the bed. Of a sudden, we found ourselves on the bed together. She was screaming. I was grunting. It was then that I saw the mouse she was pointing at. I was more concerned about nullifying the existence of the big mosquito on the ceiling. In the middle of all the heavy sweat and noise, I marvelled at the thought of how we had been lost! We fell into each other’s arms. Why he had changed his surname and was now on the bed escaped me. The date was going well, I thought. I thought she liked me. We had a lot in common. I was so excited. So, was she? It was then that I noticed a prick come between us. Yes, I know what you think. First timer. Right! Then I recognised that prick. My older brother. “Hey, what gives?” I yell.